A lexicographer once told me that any English noun could properly be used as a transitive verb. I said I wanted to dictionary him in the face.
By the way, the vicious rumor that I sold 49% of my soul to the Devil is 99% true.
A real man always carries cash. At best it's your bribe, at worst your rolling papers.
Ah, that magical land where you can pick a fight and claim self-defense. Wait, are we talking Florida or Iraq?
When I eat strawberries, I like to pretend they're the wizened hearts of my enemies. Ah, memories.
Last time I looked at a facebook was at that plastic surgeon's in Thailand. But you can find me there now, for better or probably worse.
I was microblogging before microblogging existed. We called it writing on the bathroom wall.
Call me a pop-culture idiot, but I thought Britney Spears was a male porn star from northwest France.
It's too bad someone can't rape Todd Akin or Paul Ryan and get them pregnant.
I'll never forget the day you gave me your heart. Thank God for that car accident.
I believe that children are our future. And that we're fucked.
I would so have let Chris Brown hit me. Just for an excuse to put the motherfucker in the ground.
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