Hello. I am your Slushkeeper. I work for a Publication in the pages of which you may yearn to see your own Byline and deathless Prose. Bow down before me, Sniveling Scriveners, for if you wish to enter this Hallowed Kingdom, you must first pass the Gate I tend!

I'm not inclined to let you through.

But if you are to foil my defenses and enter this Demesne, to storm the very Ramparts of Littature, you must be Prepared and Armed with the proper foreknowledge. Be warned—I am ancient, crafty, wily and sly. Better writers than you have perished without my Gate.

I will give you clues, foolish Scribbler, as to how to slip my Breeches and enter my Nether Realms. But know this—you will misunderstand them all, and you will misunderstand to your Soul's red Peril.

Don't go complaining to the Whirled White Web that you Weren't Warned.

Are you the Storymaster? Are you, Punk? Then piss off!